half so much

I find myself wanting to write what I think and feel, but I also think and feel that would be very unwise. Why, you ask? Because what do people think and feel about? Things that are important to them, issues in their life, people they care about, or worse, people they don't care for at all. Everything else is superfluous, really, isn't it? I could get on here and talk about how cool I think robots are, or how much I don't care about sports, but does that make one iota of difference in my life? In yours? No, in case it wasn't clear. It doesn't.

What could I write about, whats on my mind? I could talk about my friends, past and present, changed and persisted. I could publish all my gripes about my roommates, but who reads this? Hi guys, ya, I'm talking about you. I could write all the things that I admire about them too, there are many virtues in the bunch. I could talk about people I genuinely dislike, but what good would that do anybody? Least of all me, to indulge in grudging feelings. Who am I helping by practicing the subtle craft of mental justification for unChrist like feelings?

I could talk about my family, the different dynamics between me and each of my siblings, or feelings about my parents. Hi everybody, talking about you too. But guess what? No matter what I say, positive or negative, honest or unjust, real or imagined, it would all be awkward and illrecieved. It would strain tender relationships (all relationships are tender) and nobody would know what to do with it. Don't be fooled, nobody wants real honesty. Ask P.T. Barnum, people want to be fooled, its pacifying.

The truth is, to quote one of my favorite hobbits, I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. And more than that even. If people knew half the things I thought about them at various times, I imagine their opinion of me would be rather different. Things from top to bottom, things like "You are beautiful" or "You're a complete idiot", or maybe the obvious contrast, "I love you" vs. "I hate you".

This, by the way, is why people often publish their blogs anonymously. Even this level of honesty has a way of making people squint with a funny sensation at the back of their head, thinking it not quite right that somebody should just come out and say things like that. If its anonymous, you can say it all and not have to own up to anything. Nobody gets hurt, nobody has to deal with it.

So just think, next time I'm talking to you, what am I really thinking? I'm not going to say it, you wouldn't like it either way. We'll just keep at it with small talk on irrelevant issues. Just know that you don't see half so much as is really there, because I try to show less than half so much as I really think and feel.